Monday, February 4, 2013
TMRW: Are You Ready to Be a Wife?
So I know its been ages, but there is so much going on that I haven't made time. But I have gotten so many comments on wanting TMRW back that I am making the time!!
I started writing this post to talk about an awesome cleaning schedule that I found on Pinterest, but then I had to give some background on how I was on that topic and it evolved into a post about being a wife (well really a mother, and a wife, but I'll break it up into two posts). So here goes:
I suppose some modern renaissance women eventually get married and some eventually have kids (although not necessarily in that order)! Well, it can be an especially difficult transition for both roles even if you have the perfect s.o. (significant other) and/or the perfect baby. Moving from single woman to wife is something that most women assume and think they are ready for--and often times we plan an obsessive amount for the wedding, but do we plan for the marriage?
We think we are ready to be engaged before we are truly 100% ready to be ok by ourselves. And its an important step to be ok with being by yourself. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you! Before you jump into a relationship, you must be comfortable with yourself. And confident in who you are. Otherwise you run the risk of having someone else define who you are and what you stand for. Now on the next level (marriage) we also tend think we are ready to have a husband--but are we ready to be a wife?
To be a good wife is an especially difficult role because you take on the weight of--well, everything. And many women aren't ready for that. We are trained to have this image of prince charming sweeping us off our feet and riding off into the sunset with him taking care of your every need. Well women react three different ways to this--
1. "Well I don't need a man to do anything for me! I can take care of myself thankyouverymuch. I have done it all myself before and I will be fine doing it myself!!" And guess what-- men will agree with you and you will continue to be "BY YOURSELF"
2. "Yes my prince charming is coming and we are going to be perfect, and ride off into the sunset, and he will buy me flowers every week and spoil me and all I have to do is get spoiled. And we will have 2.5 kids...if I wait long enough, he will arrive. Any minute now....any minute!" Yeah go ahead and pop in a Disney flick and he sure will arrive, honey.
3. Realistically-- "Okay, I'm sure that fairy tale is not 100% true, but I'm sure I will find someone that appreciates me for who I am and is willing to work on the rest."
So let me quickly tell you about men (from asking men) Most will say they need a variation of these three things:
1. To feel like a man
2. To feel needed
3. Sex. Consistent sex.
That is it! They really are simple. (ask a man if this is true) It's us as women who tend to be more complex and to need a lot more--but that's another blog. The perfect person is out there for you--right now. Alive and well. So maybe say a prayer for them. Ok, back to being a wife.
The role of wife is honorable--if you make it so. You set the tone of your household. It's actually a lot like chess--yes they say "the husband is the king", but the queen is the most powerful in the whole game. And with that power comes a lot of responsibility! My first experience of wife came from watching my mother-- who was nuts, but passed on many good lessons to me for how to be a good wife (from her mistakes and from her triumphs). It was a blessing to have a mother who is also a wife to model that for me, and that is why I am passing this onto you--who may have not had the role of wife modeled for you. This model could be anyone though--aunts/uncles, grandparents, close family friends. In speaking with many of these women in my life, it helped me accurately see what being a wife was really supposed to encompass. Of the many lessons, I will share the few that have proven to really solidify my marriage:
1. Communicate (with respect). Everyone says this and it is so true!! And communicating isn't feeling some type of way and then telling your closest girlfriend about it--its telling your significant other directly! It is hard at first but so rewarding. Communicate what your expectations are of each other, and of your household. Communicate what you love about each other and what you don't love, and what may never change even though it bothers you! Communicate how you want to clean up--or how you would rather pay someone. Or how you want to throw a party or how you like your eggs cooked--or how you hate steak because you think of the poor cow! Communicate about money and what you would do with a million bucks--or how you would punish or reward your kids (or not reward?!). Communicate about having one vs. two bank accounts...or how you can't stand some family members--but why you want to fix that relationship with their help. As much as you communicate--your relationship will only get stronger. You truly have to open up though--people can't read your mind, and you shouldn't feel bad for what's on your mind. You also have to deliver your message in a way that it is received in an "I'm telling you because I care about you" type of way. More on that later. In fact, if you want to know more--read the book Communication (you can buy it on amazon for a penny)!
2. Let home be home. When your s.o. gets off work and has been fighting through bosses, and projects, and deadlines and deadbeats and you name it--be the warmth that greets him and allows him to woosah. That can be a simple "hey!" or "how was your day" or even if its time by himself to just relax and re-group--he deserves it. Don't have him fighting and arguing as soon as he walks through the door because YOU had a bad day. He may have had a bad day too. And if he knows that is home waiting for him--he won't go home. There is a time and a place to have those discussions but try to have home be a warm and caring place as much as possible. That will certainly set the tone of the house, and he will then treat you warm in return--and rub your feet and do whatever else you have communicated to him that you like ;)...
3. Make sure he gets the things that he needs. And he will make sure you get what you need in return. If you can't figure something out--ask for his support and let him feel needed or to be a man--something as simple as opening a jar or as complex as letting him figure things out on his own when he confesses a problem that he is having--many times men tell you because they want you to say "I understand" or "that's messed up" or they just want your support. NOT because they want to hear your advice. So it doesn't hurt to ask "do you want my advice or just to listen?"
There are many other lessons, but this blog is already pretty lengthy, so that's all I have for now--please feel free to leave comments or questions. I would love to hear some feedback on what stage you are in--or how you feel.
Until next time--work on loving yourself--no matter where you are in life.